Headbanging

I'm starting to think that I need to go to the doctor. I'm not sure but feels like I have insomnia. Maybe I just need to reteach myself how to fall asleep. It's so hard when you can't clear your head. I have been like this for at least ten years now. Waking up early no matter what time I went to sleep and tossing and turning all night. Constantly thinking keeps me up at night. Right now it's 11:27p.m. and here I am, just starting my thoughts. It's driving me crazy and the thing that I can't figure out is if it's slowly killing me. I've been sitting here with a banging headache since before I came home from work. It probably started like five hours ago. I expose myself to so much punishment that you would think I enjoy it. I don't. It's just what I'm use to. I put so much pressure on myself to do everything myself that I become exhausted. One of my biggest fears is becoming sick. The sad part is that so much of it is brought on by me. As much as I feel that I'm meant for bigger things, I find myself stuck in neutral. What amazes me is that I inspire when I don't even try. This past week I have found my focus again, which may be the gift and the curse. My picture is much clearer in a sense but now I have to question more things. Did I mess up a good situation with my "friend" by just accepting that "us" had become stagnant? Why not work on progress? Why haven't I moved yet? It's a frightening thought to have no direction. I can't keep going along for the ride on my own trip. Frustration is a word that I use way too often. I give so much of myself that I have nothing left for myself. I try so hard to not show my emotions but sometimes I can't help it. My face tells the full story. Something has been bugging the hell out of me for a while now, but I just can't put my finger on what it is. Maybe I just need a hobby...I wish I had somewhere that I could just put all my feelings down for others to see how I really feel without any toes being stepped on.............