Code

 So the job updated the dress code. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the dress codes always seem to push back against the hip hop culture. The culture sets the trends but there's always this disdain for it even though it's the most popular genre in the world. Now business casual doesn't include athletic shoes. You can watch any award show and probably see a suit or a dress even being worn with a pair of Air force 1's or Jordan's. Go to the individual websites and you'll see a section for lifestyle shoes. The original purpose doesn't matter. We made it cool to wear them in any occasion. But now it's a problem. The real problem is the lack of diversity in the people making these decisions. Not understanding that nobody is playing basketball in Jordan 1's. Or that we'd rather walk like Frankenstein than get a crease in our Air Force 1's. Or that some kids are born wearing Reebok classics. One day I hope this isn't even a conversation. But right now it bothers me that this is still going on. We all know what this attack is really based on. I'm not going there yet. 

August

                                     

The most significant change has been my second daughter being born. I'm a girl dad and have been for ten years. This birth was difficult because it happened during the pandemic. No family. No celebrating. Just us. It was definitely not the way I thought it would go, but I didn't know what to expect when we in. It's fine now. We made it through with no setbacks. The wife took out like a G. August showed up and stared a hole through me while my wife recovered.  Those were the best moments because now that August is walking around, she just gets into everything. The only peace we get is when she's asleep. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Just seeing how much she grows everyday is worth the price of admission for me. Watching her with my twin makes my day. The love they have for each other is undeniable and a joy to watch. I always wonder what they will do to change the world when they get older. I can't wait to find out. August sings all the time but I won't act one of those crazy people who says that their child has been singing since they were 6 months. That's not singing. That's just making noise. We'll see what happens with that. I'll stop trying to figure that out. I wish I could live until I was 100 so I could see that. It could happen. But until that happens I'll just keep watching and being amazed by everything she shows me everyday.  I'm just happy to be a part of her journey.  It would be so awesome to be able to hear kids thoughts.  She is probably wonder why she had to have cake all over her face for this picture.  She didn't, but I love it.  That picture would make a great Hallmark card.  

Back by No Demand

 It's been almost three years since I last updated this. So much has changed since then, but I can't tackle everything in one post. The world is a different place now and it won't be the same again. My wife and I brought a child into this new world. This is all that she will know. So this is normal for her. Maybe one day she will be able to see what normal, but I truly doubt that. Too much has changed and I feel like this is the new normal. No need for a long post talking about the good old days. Those days are gone and never coming back. 

Unspoken

Some things don't need to be said.  Body language can be read just as clearly as verbal language.  Only speaking for myself, it can be difficult to truly express my feelings as I have been trained to show as little emotion as possible.  I was always taught that you never want people to know what you're thinking and I still live by that.  When I was coming up, actions were much more important that words.  We didn't walk around like The Huxtables, but we had our own unique way of showing love.  Of course as a child, those things aren't noticeable.  I was a kid, which meant I was selfish.  I never thought about the reason we were always moving.  I just hated moving.  I took for granted coming home to a full meal every day because that's all I knew. And who would have thought that my brother actually came and took my bike back home after I fell off of it when the brakes failed.  I was riding alone and he actually came to check on me.  Only a few know that story because it's not as entertaining as the stories of us fighting everyday, putting holes in walls, and generally not getting along when we were younger.  That's love.  It doesn't always have to be said.  I'm not great at communicating because I don't want to bother people.  It's funny since my parents are total opposites of that.  Growing up, everybody just went through them to ask about me.  So when I went out on my own, I didn't have that same sense of communication.  That's one thing that bothers me to this day.  I wish I was better it communicating, but I'm not.  I stay to myself.  When I graduated high school, I disappeared.  A few people have seen me, but not many.  That's one of my biggest regrets.  I know that I've missed so much.  At this point, it's who I am.  I'm 36 now, an old dog.  Hopefully I can show love through my actions.  Only time will tell.  

Two Down...Forty Eight To Go

Quite a bit has changed in two years.  We're not the same people for sure.  The journey has been well worth the wait.  When we met, I had no intentions of getting married.  And if you've heard our story, I had no interest in her. It had nothing to do with her.  I was in a different place then mentally and I didn't realize what was in front of me.  Now here we are and I couldn't be happier.  We fit perfectly together.  There have been many times when I just sit back and let her take the lead.  I enjoy that after having to take the lead for so many years.  When we started dating, I was afraid to tell her about my daughter, thinking she would be turned off.  She not only accepted my baggage, she helped carry it.  I remember our wedding night like it was yesterday.  I remember not being nervous about spending the rest of my life with her.  I was more nervous when I had to deliver a speech in high school, or go in for my first job interview.  That night just felt right.  Now here we are two years later and we're still in that happy place.  We always said we'd be together for at least fifty years.  Relationship Goals!!!

Stand up

I'm ready for some football.  There's always so much going on around this time and this year is no different.  I'm happy to see my team on Hard Knocks this year even though I don't have HBO.  Hopefully there is no curse tied to that show.  One big topic that keeps coming up is the fact that Colin Kaepernick is still unsigned.  Everybody has an opinion on him, including me.  Michael Vick and Ray Lewis have been torn to shreds for their "suggestions" about what he should do.  I don't agree with either one of them, but I understand where they're coming from in those suggestions.  The thing about this situation to me is that it seems like Kaepernick already knew he might have been blackballed out of the NFL.  I think he was prepared for that.  He felt he had a bigger purpose and he was willing to give up his career for that.  I applaud him for having the guts to do that.  The funny thing is that we haven't really heard anything from the man himself.  There is now this protest for him that could possibly make his situation worse.  And every a quarterback gets hurt, it doesn't mean that team should sign Kaepernick.  Let's be honest.  He wasn't that good.  I understand why the Miami Dolphins signed Jay Cutler.  He knows their system and he had his best season under Adam Gase.  That made sense because the season is right around the corner.  There is not time to acclimate Colin Kaepernick to a new offense when a team has playoff aspirations.  It's not Madden.  You can't just plug someone in and make it work.  I don't believe that there are 100 quarterbacks better than him, but the bottom is the bottom line.  Money is the main issue here.  These owners don't want to hurt their bottom line.  They ignore how well his jersey sells.  All they see is those people who say they won't watch the games because of Kaepernick which is ridiculous anyway.  I could care less about Kaepernick kneeling.  If he played for the Buccaneers, I would support him as long as he played well.  There are situations where I could see Kaepernick becoming a starter, but I think he is done with the NFL.  It doesn't really feel like he wants to play that badly.  What he's standing up for is bigger than the game.  I lost some respect for him when he said he didn't vote and I'm pretty much over his entire existence at this point.  But he is still a trending topic that needs to be discussed.  And that's my piece.  The conversation will continue.   

LEO The Lioness

There it is.  The infamous picture.  Our story is always an incredible tale and I've actually gotten to the point where I enjoy telling it.  No embellishments needed.  She changed my life and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have it any other way.  No marriage is perfect, but we work through all our issues, like her obsession with makeup.  I finally relented and agreed that she needs a makeup room.  Compromise.  It's necessary in a relationship and we have it.  We do everything together.  If she's not going, I'm not going.  Today being her birthday, I feel like I have to spoil her.  I enjoy spoiling her.  It makes my day and it also a challenge because she can be particular.  But I love it.  I also love the way she not only accepted my baggage, but helped to carry it.  When we met, I was cautious with my personal life because I was expecting judgment.  Imagine my surprise when there was none.  I'm the happiest I've ever been and she is the main reason.  When we got married, we always said we would spend 50 years together.  Even after that, I still won't feel like I deserve her.  Every man wants that person that makes him feel like a King.  But we also need that person who is a Queen.  I didn't feel like a King until I met my Queen.  And I love the way she gravitated towards the Princess, Amiyah.  I couldn't ask for anything else.  I had no intentions of being that guy who only talks about his wife, but I am now.  There is no better feeling that being able to brag about your wife at every turn.  "Your wife is so pretty."  "I love Shay."  "You guys are our favorite couple."  "I'm glad you brought her into our family."  These are real statements about my wife.  Happy Birthday to my better half.  Life is good.

Too Soon

Life.  We live it everyday.  Some times it just feels like going through the motions.  As we get older, priorities change.  We start families, change careers, make decisions and so on and so on.  Not to sound preachy, but everyday is a gift.  I fall into that trap of taking life for granted.  There were years where I didn't do anything to enjoy life and I was just...going through the motions.  Family has always been important, but now I'm making sure that I am enjoying my life.  My daughter needs to know that there is a purpose for everything and enjoying life should be a driving force in our lives.  It's easy to put blinders on and take everything for granted.  There are so many distractions that can take away from the enjoyment.  We all have issues that we deal with and that causes stress that kills enjoyment.  Putting everything in perspective is harder to do than expected.  People are lost everyday, but now those losses are getting closer to home.  Anytime it hits close to home, it hurts.  I hurt for anybody that has lost a loved one recently.  Nothing is promised.  It only makes me think about my own family and what I would do if I lost someone close to me.  I worry about my people quite often.  It's scary to even think about.  I do think about it and mainly because I'm not ready for it.  I can't imagine the pain that comes along with it.  Losing my Grandmother hurt, but it took me almost ten years to shed any tears.  I carried that for so long, that all it took was mentioning her in a private moment with my wife and I cried like a baby.  Nothing can prepare you for that.  I'm trying to do better with making sure that people know that I love them.  It's a work in progress.  If I don't say it enough, hopefully my actions show the love that I have.

Heavy Mental

At some point in my life, I wanted to be a psychologist.  It really started when I had a psychology course in high school.  I was intrigued by the course and I wanted to dig further into the subject.  Before that class, I had no interest in the  subject.  Or maybe just no knowledge of it.  But it became a fantasy job for me.  Ten years for school was not in my vocabulary.  So instead of becoming a psychologist, I became just a regular guy.  But mental health was still something that I wanted to know more about.  I often talk about how miserable my time in college was for various reasons.  During that time, I did visit a psychologist.  Does that mean I'm crazy?  Well, it depends on who you ask.  I'm sure my wife would say I am.  At that time, I was searching for anything to explain why things weren't going the way I was accustomed to.  So in a sense, it was placebo for me.  In the beginning, I didn't feel I needed it, but I had to realize that I made the appointment.  Nobody made me walk in that office and set that appointment.  For years it was something that I couldn't admit doing because I was worried about what people would think.  I was comfortable telling stories about mental health, but not my own.  As men, we are taught that we have to be strong and not show emotions.  I've done it for years, but I have the occasional slip.  I always cry like a baby when that episode of Fresh Prince where his dad comes to town shows up on my television.  Florida Evans always gets me when she says, "Damn! Damn! Damn!"  There are other occurrences that I'd rather not discuss in this forum.  For me, the visits became a time for me to just vent.  Sometimes we just need someone to listen.  Some find that same effect in church, or with a best friend.  There is no shame in seeking help.  It is much better than letting things pile up until they just erupt in the worst way.  I've been to that point.  I managed to find other mediums to vent my anger.  It's one of the reasons why I began writing.  It calmed me and helped me get my thoughts out easier.  Nobody had to read what I was saying, as long as it was therapeutic for me.  I couldn't worry about whether or not people were interested in what I was saying.  It didn't matter.  I was saying what I wanted to say and it was invigorating.  Being able to put my thoughts out there for those who need or want to see my thoughts is fun for me.  In our community, we don't have the resources or know how to use the resources to better our mental health.  There are plenty of ways to find a distraction when necessary.  I have always been able to pull my self away from a situation and realize I need help.  That is not to say that I actually seek that help out.  Seeking out help doesn't make you any less of a person.  It doesn't even mean that there is a problem.  But I do encourage those who need it to seek it.  Don't worry about how anybody feels about it.  It doesn't matter.  Only your mental health matters.

Purpose

Treading water is easy.  It's easy to just accept things as they are and not even attempt to change them.  It's terrifying doing something different.  I was comfortable in my past life and I had accepted it for what it was.  But then an opportunity was given.  I knew I had to take advantage of the situation.  The funny thing is I was never worried about it.  I have undergone quite a few drastic changes in the past few years.  I mean life altering changes.  Getting married, joining a fraternity, and changing career fields are what I would consider drastic changes.  Some people find their purpose early.  It has taken me a while, but I am finding my footing.  I always felt like I was meant to do more than I was doing.  There are people who can take something away from my story.  Fear can be your best friend...and your worst enemy.  It is the very reason why I stayed stagnant for so long.  But then I had to think about Amiyah.  She needs me.  She is my purpose.  So often I was missing out on being a father because I had to work.  Not anymore.  I rarely miss out on her life now.  It's the small things that I will remember, like pulling one of her front teeth out.  The next time I see her, I expect her to be riding her bike with no training wheels.  She's shown me how fearless she can be, and then she reminds me that she is only 6.  I have to show her that fear cannot stop her from finding her purpose.  No matter how long it takes, she has to find it.  Whatever she decides to do, there will be many people there to support her.  My purpose is to make her happy, even if it means facing my fears.