Too Soon

Life.  We live it everyday.  Some times it just feels like going through the motions.  As we get older, priorities change.  We start families, change careers, make decisions and so on and so on.  Not to sound preachy, but everyday is a gift.  I fall into that trap of taking life for granted.  There were years where I didn't do anything to enjoy life and I was just...going through the motions.  Family has always been important, but now I'm making sure that I am enjoying my life.  My daughter needs to know that there is a purpose for everything and enjoying life should be a driving force in our lives.  It's easy to put blinders on and take everything for granted.  There are so many distractions that can take away from the enjoyment.  We all have issues that we deal with and that causes stress that kills enjoyment.  Putting everything in perspective is harder to do than expected.  People are lost everyday, but now those losses are getting closer to home.  Anytime it hits close to home, it hurts.  I hurt for anybody that has lost a loved one recently.  Nothing is promised.  It only makes me think about my own family and what I would do if I lost someone close to me.  I worry about my people quite often.  It's scary to even think about.  I do think about it and mainly because I'm not ready for it.  I can't imagine the pain that comes along with it.  Losing my Grandmother hurt, but it took me almost ten years to shed any tears.  I carried that for so long, that all it took was mentioning her in a private moment with my wife and I cried like a baby.  Nothing can prepare you for that.  I'm trying to do better with making sure that people know that I love them.  It's a work in progress.  If I don't say it enough, hopefully my actions show the love that I have.

Heavy Mental

At some point in my life, I wanted to be a psychologist.  It really started when I had a psychology course in high school.  I was intrigued by the course and I wanted to dig further into the subject.  Before that class, I had no interest in the  subject.  Or maybe just no knowledge of it.  But it became a fantasy job for me.  Ten years for school was not in my vocabulary.  So instead of becoming a psychologist, I became just a regular guy.  But mental health was still something that I wanted to know more about.  I often talk about how miserable my time in college was for various reasons.  During that time, I did visit a psychologist.  Does that mean I'm crazy?  Well, it depends on who you ask.  I'm sure my wife would say I am.  At that time, I was searching for anything to explain why things weren't going the way I was accustomed to.  So in a sense, it was placebo for me.  In the beginning, I didn't feel I needed it, but I had to realize that I made the appointment.  Nobody made me walk in that office and set that appointment.  For years it was something that I couldn't admit doing because I was worried about what people would think.  I was comfortable telling stories about mental health, but not my own.  As men, we are taught that we have to be strong and not show emotions.  I've done it for years, but I have the occasional slip.  I always cry like a baby when that episode of Fresh Prince where his dad comes to town shows up on my television.  Florida Evans always gets me when she says, "Damn! Damn! Damn!"  There are other occurrences that I'd rather not discuss in this forum.  For me, the visits became a time for me to just vent.  Sometimes we just need someone to listen.  Some find that same effect in church, or with a best friend.  There is no shame in seeking help.  It is much better than letting things pile up until they just erupt in the worst way.  I've been to that point.  I managed to find other mediums to vent my anger.  It's one of the reasons why I began writing.  It calmed me and helped me get my thoughts out easier.  Nobody had to read what I was saying, as long as it was therapeutic for me.  I couldn't worry about whether or not people were interested in what I was saying.  It didn't matter.  I was saying what I wanted to say and it was invigorating.  Being able to put my thoughts out there for those who need or want to see my thoughts is fun for me.  In our community, we don't have the resources or know how to use the resources to better our mental health.  There are plenty of ways to find a distraction when necessary.  I have always been able to pull my self away from a situation and realize I need help.  That is not to say that I actually seek that help out.  Seeking out help doesn't make you any less of a person.  It doesn't even mean that there is a problem.  But I do encourage those who need it to seek it.  Don't worry about how anybody feels about it.  It doesn't matter.  Only your mental health matters.