Out of Touch

The new year is right around the corner. This is the time of year where celebrations pop off and so forth. Alcohol is always a dangerous fire-starter. I understand that people will have a couple drinks and have fun, but at some point logic has to take over. A couple days ago, I ran into an old friend from high school that I hadn't seen in a couple years. During the course of our conversation, he asks me if I had heard about our old teammate and his classmate. I hadn't but I knew from the way that he asked me that I wouldn't like his answer. There was that very brief awkward moment of silence then he finally tells me that our friend is dead. The past few years have hardened me. Since my ninth grade year in high school, I have lost nearly ten of my friends. Three of those have been killed by a drunk driver. Maybe I'm just a lame ass dude because I don't drink. But there is something wrong with that picture. My hometown doesn't have more than twenty thousand people there. How could I lose that many? I'm only twenty seven. I shouldn't be going to funerals for my peers. Now maybe anybody who wonders why I trash my hometown every chance I get will understand where I'm coming from. It's like a black hole. Even if you get out, it still touches you, directly or indirectly. It is what it is I guess. I can't fail for them. It doesn't even matter what I do.

Family

I'm not sure, but I think some big major holiday just passed. Anyway, I gathered with my family as always and it was fun as always. Of course I felt like a bum when I got there because I was under the impression that we weren't exchanging gifts. I was given gifts but came in empty handed. Cold-blooded. I had no choice but to accept my gifts. What else could I do? So we always sit around and talk. This time I went through all those pictures from my younger days. I couldn't help but smile at my baby pictures. And then from that comes the stories from my childhood of things that I don't even remember. Ahhh the good old days...I can never go back. Looking at my pictures can be confusing because it would appear that I have a twin that is about ten years older than me. Every family has a story, but I'm not going to dig into all that here. Those issues existed and they probably still do. So be it. I love my family and it's always nice to get a surprise from one of them. This is not the platform for me to vent about my family, but I wish things were a little bit different. Maybe eventually things will go back to the way they were.

Tiger Strikes

It's funny how quickly things can fall apart. Everybody has an opinion about the Tiger Woods situation. Of course I have an opinion on it too. Well...oh well. Celebrities are held to such standards that it's not fair. There are so many layers to touch on here that I don't know where to start. It's not even a story to me because I don't care what Tiger Woods does. He has nothing to do with me. Secondly, all these people talking about what a scumbag he is and what not should honestly shut up. We don't know what was going on so we can't speak about it. It's not fair to him. I'm not exactly coming to his defense because I don't know what I'm defending. I don't know what happened. Why should I care anyway? Tiger is a man just like me. We all make mistakes. It's just that Tiger's mistake has cost him much than any I have made. Now all these companies are trying to get away from him and one ended it's relationship with him completely. The same thing happened to Kobe Bryant a few years ago and now he's the most popular player in the game. Tiger made golf what it is today. He really is the reason why Blacks even pay attention to golf. Golf has always felt like it was created to keep us away since it started in country clubs. As much as he has tried to downplay his ethnic makeup, he's still got some Black in him and there are those who can't wait to see him fall on his face. It just seems like the election of Obama has just helped awaken some old racial tensions that will probably never disappear. It is what it is. I don't know all the details, nor do I care. I'm tired of hearing about it. What he does off the course shouldn't matter. Athletes are role models, but when they fail there is no reason to tear them down. There are normal people who go to work everyday and pay their bills on time who are role models. For once Tiger Woods knows what it's like to be a Black man in America.

Fear

Growing up is a hard thing to do at any age. When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark like many other kids. It didn't help that I had an older brother who enjoyed getting under my skin. So he would drag me in a dark room, knowing I was terrified and would scream and kick to not go in that room. But he was stronger than me so it never really worked. Now that I'm older, I have different fears. Failure is one of my biggest fears, so that drives me to avoid risks. That in turn makes me a bit more boring than I care to be. I can change that, but I don't know if I will. About a year ago, I was told that I didn't have cancer. Fear was in the back of my mind for about two weeks before I was told that. I try my best to play my feelings close to the vest, but sometimes my acting skills leave me. My emotions have been much harder to control lately. Maybe it's because I don't care as much as I use to. Or maybe it's that I care too much to let things just be taken out of context. I don't know anymore. Right now I'm having a problem to commitment. It has always been hard for me to commit to a difficult decision, but I make better decisions than I give myself credit for. I mean I made the move up here all by myself. Now I have some much bigger decisions to make regarding work, relationships, money, family etc. I'll admit that there is still a chance that I'll waffle on whatever decisions I make, but at least I can admit that I have a problem here. I just don't want anything to blow up in my face. I guess that's just my fear of embarrassment.

Changes

Today is the first of December. I woke up this morning and found frost on my windshield. Last month I went on vacation for about a week. I had the chance to step back from my normal routine and see things from the outside. I don't know how or when but something has to change. I don't like my current routine. It just feels stagnant. There is so much out there for me to do. I know that I have better options. I'm not use to staying in one place much longer than I've been here. So it's like I have this itch. The only way for me to scratch it is to leave. My past vacation was spent scouting out an area that I was interested in moving to. Until I figure out what I want to do, I'll keep searching. During my vacation, I spent a large amount of my time with my father. Advice was being thrown at me left and right. But I wasn't being preached to. It was more of a call and response type of thing. I was basically wanting to see how he felt about whatever I asked. I listened to him, and I would make my move from there. Only time will tell what happens from there. I think that he could sense that I was so desperate for a change that I was willing to move somewhere that I would regret. So I won't be moving to the place that I visited, but I have a better idea of what I'm looking for. Will I have a family to travel with me or will it just be a road dog? I don't know but that may be something that is changing soon also. So much can happen in just a couple weeks.